When the news broke that Stephen “Twitch” Boss had died by suicide, the first thing that ran through my mind was, “if he couldn’t make it, how am I supposed to?”.
Sadly, that’s what I think every time we hear of someone who seemed to be so full of life die in such a tragic way. That thought is usually accompanied with other thoughts of basically helping me understand the why and the how behind someone taking their life and only because it’s a road I have been down more times in life than I honestly feel comfortable sharing.
But here we are…
Isn’t that the antidote to shame? Talking about the things we feel ashamed of so that these thoughts and feelings that drive us to our breaking point don’t have this kind of power over us? I’m not only talking about the kind of pain that leads to death, but the pain that we try to numb through the various numbing agents that we can get our hands on.
The pain I am speaking of includes but is not limited to:
The pain of comparison.
The pain of being too much or not good enough.
The pain of not belonging.
The pain of oppression and discrimination.
The pain of feeling unlovable, unwanted, and feeling unknown.
The pain of chronic illness and/or physical pain.
The pain of any sort of loss, whether that be the loss of a job, relationship, loved one, belief system or a sense of who you are.
Or, how about the pain of feeling like we are completely alone in our struggles?
If I asked 100 people what they think of when it comes to a time they felt pain in their life, I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard 100 different answers.
But the one statement I’m positive I would hear over and over again is, “it’s not as bad as other people’s problems”.
Is it any wonder we are stunned, shocked, and surprised when someone dies by suicide? There are ways in which we all seem to scream at the top of our lungs to share, be authentic, and to be vulnerable with one another; but are we then ready to be on the receiving end of what all is shared? Do we ourselves meet someone else’s pain with a hint of comparison? Do we give a slight inflection in our voice that tells the speaker to please lie to us? Are we able to stay present with the speaker or are we dissociating because of our own trauma? Or finding ways to distract from how uncomfortable the conversation is making us whether it be because we can’t seem to relate and/or don’t know what to say? Is the look in our eyes full of empathy and understanding or pity and judgement?
I’m not saying that words of encouragement are to be discouraged, but are we too quick to encourage and wipe away the tears when perhaps what we need to be doing is feeling exactly what is happening in the moment together. Maybe that means to be completely in silence, or to cry, or to even laugh for a few minutes until you can get to the tears. Maybe it means simply holding the person's hand or offering an embrace. I’m not sure that there is just one way to go about making a shift in the way we show up for one another, but what I do know is that what we are doing doesn’t seem to be working.
When Twitch passed away, I kept seeing people make these posts that read “Check on the Strong Ones”. That immediately rubbed me the wrong way. This implies that people who are not walking around with a smile on their face all the time are not strong or that they aren’t happy. Isn’t saying “the strong ones” in and of itself problematic? When it comes to putting people in boxes, which is the very thing we are all working so hard to stay out of, I think it would be beneficial for us all to check in and see how we might be contributing to the problem.
How about we say check on your neighbor? Check on your friend, your loved one, the stranger across the way. Just check on people and be ready to meet them where they are when you ask. And if you aren’t ready, go to therapy. Be curious about what it’s like for you when someone shares hard things. Maybe then and only then will we all be able to show up for one another in ways that feel helpful.
But we have to start with ourselves.
I feel like we all could do a better job keeping mental health at the top of every conversation we are having so that we continue to normalize seeking help when we are struggling. So that we all are educated on how to have hard conversations. So that we can be more comfortable with ALL the emotions in life so that we are not afraid to look past someone’s smile.
For someone who is not comfortable with all the emotions in life, that person needs to see a smile. That person needs to believe that the smile means that everything is okay because….
If you can’t make it, how am I supposed to?
Yes, that means that I am uncomfortable with certain emotions that come up for me. Even typing those words makes me want to close in on myself. The number of times I have heard “but you’re a therapist you should or you shouldn’t…” is honestly maddening. As if becoming a therapist magically makes me immune to emotions that are unpleasant. I can assure you I am most definitely not immune and I am beginning to lean more into some areas that burn a little, sometimes it burns a lot, but I can’t ask my clients or those of you who are reading this to dig deeper if I am unwilling to.
You can’t tune into someone else’s emotions if you don’t allow yourself to feel your own. If you silence the unpleasant emotions, you’re also turning down the dial on the more pleasant ones.
And you don’t have to do it alone. If you or someone you know is struggling with life in any kind of way, please seek professional help. Psychology Today is a good resource to find a therapist as well as Good Therapy. If the struggles with life have led you to feel like the only way out is to end life, please call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also visit them at 988lifeline.org.
Twitch was one of my favorite dancers...
